Holy tapdancing Jahweh, that’s a lot of money.

17 Nov

My name is Denny, and I was roped into this BS by my wife. There I was, happily tossing off Hamiltons like my name rhymed with…um…Schmitty Schment, when my special lady friend randomly decided to start a blog in which we don’t spend money at restaurants.

I do this with my stacks when I go to the Olive Garden

What. The. Eff.

Just kidding.

I was pretty on board with it when she told me. I just needed the proper catalyst to get me going. We’ve talked about doing something like this for a long time, and when she texted me this:

We’re eating in for 30 days. For real. Challenge time.

…something just clicked. I don’t know if it was the take-charge attitude she had, or the fact that I tend to barely scrape by every month, having to rely on back-alley handies to make ends meet that motivated me more, but I’m motivated, partner.

So: I decided last night, during the first meal made at home (crappy chicken burritos, by the way), that I would need to get everything out on the table. I need to tell you all how much fucking money I spend on coffee and turkey club sandwiches.

I make a habit out of ignoring how much I spend. I do a great job at getting incensed at the price of gas, since I take public transportation, or the amount I spend on dietary supplements for the dog. I am not, however, good at looking at my bank statement and realizing how much I spend on eating out at restaurants, drinking out at bars, and coffeeshops.

No more. It’s time to lay it all out on the table for the two people reading this blog post. Get ready to have your friggin’ minds blown, people.

This total was done based solely on credit and debit card sales, so I’m sure it’s even higher than this, but as we’ve already established, I don’t keep track of money very well. Luckily for me, mint.com is here to take care of my light work.

Frightening monetary misuse in 3…2…1.

During the month of October, I spent, by myself, $1,049.25 on food and dining.

Of that total, $590.01 was strictly on restaurants. I spent $110.80 at bars, and $121.17 at coffee shops. I spent $227.27 at grocery stores, of which a lot of which is probably cash back that I then went out and spent on hookers and cocaine. And Noodles & Company.

Personal finances are always a touchy subject, but know this: I make enough to cover my bills and pay rent every month. I’m not foregoing my car insurance payment so I can have another Hazelnut Americano. This is all discretionary spending, and it’s not going to important things, like paying off my unbelievable amount of student loan debt. That I can willingly spend this much money every month on random shit that I’ll forget almost immediately is not only scary, it’s fiscally braindead.

So, here we go. One month of not going out to eat. At all. Like, for any reason.

Ground rules are important, so let’s get some lined out.

1. No eating food that is purchased by me or Meg in a restaurant. If I see a tip line, I’ve fucked up.

1.a. If a friend wants to GIVE us free food in a restaurant, that’s fine.

2. No coffee beverages that I have to pay for. Someone bring me an awesome looking knife, because I am going to ritualistically kill myself.

3. We don’t really know what to do with prepared food in a grocery store. Is a rotisserie chicken allowed? Comment below, and let us know.

4. Bars are fine, as long as the only thing being purchased is booze. We like hanging out with our friends, and we like drinking. I will order dirty martinis, just so I can get free olives.

5. Other rules will surely be added as we go along. We’re new at this, ok? Jeesh.


4 Responses to “Holy tapdancing Jahweh, that’s a lot of money.”

  1. Liz November 17, 2011 at 8:38 pm #

    Rotisserie chicken: Safe.

  2. MILF November 17, 2011 at 9:23 pm #

    I think a rotisserie chicken from the store is acceptable if some or all of the following apply:
    1-you use it as an ingredient (soup, burritos, sandwiches, etc)
    2-you eat the whole thing (meaning you eat it as leftovers and don’t just pick the white meat off and pitch the rest)
    3-you don’t get one every other night instead of cooking chicken at home

    Rotisserie chickens end up costing about the same as a whole chicken, you just get to save a bit of time by not cooking it yourself.

    You guys are going to kick ass and inspire many. I’m rooting for you!!
    xo, MILF

    • learntoloveeatingin November 21, 2011 at 2:51 pm #

      Noted. Thanks for the guidelines, Milf. We will absolutely follow these rules when standing in the grocery store at 5:20 PM, our stomachs rumbling and a haggard look on our faces.

  3. rachel November 21, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

    laughed aloud at least twice. u ctack me up!!! ps. i should do this too!

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